The Songs that Saved Me

I’ve never been musically talented…but it never hindered my love for it.

Music is my best friend. I can remember growing up listening to the sounds of the Beatles and Pink Floyd instead of lullabies. It’s been etched into my brain for as long as I can remember to adore music and all of its messages.

I’ve developed my own tastes over the years, and I’m sure my dad is deeply disappointed at my obsession for certain Top 40 tracks. But in all the noise, a select few songs have really been there for me like an old friend. When I was at deepest low a few years ago, I turned to music for comfort. In fact, I always have. So I’ve compiled a list of some of the songs that in many ways, saved my life. Some songs are newer, some are old, but all hold dear to my heart.

In no particular order…

The Beatles – Let it Be

“And when the broken-hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be.”

Don Henley – The Heart of the Matter

“I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness.”

Matchbox 20 – Unwell

“But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be.”

Family of the Year – Hero

“So let me go
I don’t wanna be your hero
I don’t wanna be a big man
I Just wanna fight like everyone else.”

Joshua Radin – Everything’ll Be Alright

“But I look at you, warm in your dream
While your mobile dances above
And I think to myself
It’s a beautiful night
And I know everything
Is gonna be alright
Yes now I know
It’ll be alright.”

Lea Michele – Cannonball

“And now I will start living today, today, today
I close the door
I got this new beginning and I will fly
I’ll fly like a cannonball, like a cannonball, like a cannonball
I’ll fly, I’ll fly, I’ll fly like a cannonball.”

Miranda Lambert – The House that Built Me

“I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I’m someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself
if I could just come in I swear I’ll leave.
Won’t take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.”

The Beatles – Here Comes the Sun

“Little darling
The smiles returning to the faces
Little darling
It seems like years since it’s been here

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun,
and I say, It’s all right.”

Each song is so personal for so many reasons, those of which I’ll save just for me. But I hope you can find some solace in one of these songs.

My Soulmates

There’s nothing like good girlfriends.

I enjoy hanging out with guys too, but there are just certain things you need your girlfriends for…like to talk about those guys.

Or to call at 3 a.m. when you can’t turn your mind off about the latest stressful thing, and they will pause whatever they’re doing (including their sleep) to answer the phone. They’re also great drinking buddies. I mean who else can I take tequila shots with one night, and have a classy glass of wine the next? Guys don’t really do that, at least the ones I know.

Your girlfriends definitely won’t judge you if you’re rocking a onesie and last nights make-up, because they’re probably doing the same. They also seem to always know exactly what your thinking and know exactly what to say for every situation.

Honestly one of my favourite parts about being a girl is how quickly the conversation can change. One minute we’re talking about hair, nails and “oh my god, that guy is definitely into you!” The next we’re discussing world events, feminism and our very serious futures.

Women are badass! This is why we need girlfriends, to share in all of our kick-ass traits! And because yes, I would like to watch that chick flick starring Channing Tatum and I would like to discuss how Leonardo DiCaprio is actually in love me and he just doesn’t know it yet. Let’s be real, no man is going to sit through that conversation with me.

Girlfriends make you laugh the hardest but still know how to share a sentimental moment.

They’ve held you at your worst and cheered the loudest at your best.

One day, I’ll meet a man and he’ll be the love of my life. But my girls…we’re soulmates.

For Marilyn

I should have written this months ago, but it was just too painful then. So, today I honour my grandmother.

It’s funny, I look back on my life and all the people I’ve met, and I know I’ve made some enemies. I consider myself a good person, but not everyone in life is going to see you that way.

And then there’s my Gramma.

Marilyn Jean Richardson was the most perfect human being I’ve ever met. In the days leading up to her passing, we discovered something amazing; we couldn’t recall one person who has said a bad word about her. Everyone adored her; she was your stereotypical sweet old lady with the biggest heart. Although I’m willing to bet that anyone you can imagine is still not as wonderful as my Gramma.

I love her so much.

And I know she loved her family just as much. Her children and grandchildren were her whole life. She loved nothing more than to sit and talk to each and every one of us about the updates in our lives, making you feel like the most important person in the world in that moment. And she always made sure we knew how proud she was of us. For that I will be forever thankful.

I loved the way she always had jujubes at the top of the fridge waiting for us. I loved the way she always remembered to call and sing “Happy Birthday” no matter how old we got. I loved her relationship with my grandfather, and the way they still looked at each other like teenagers deeply in love. I loved her warm smile, I loved her advice, I loved it all.

Our thing was always our birthdays. Gramma was born on June 10^th and I was the 13^th. She was my birthday buddy and there was always that one week in June that was dedicated to us. I’m not sure I’m ready for this first year without her; it will never be the same.

It’s damn near impossible to summarize Marilyn Richardson into a blog, especially when she deserves so much more. But this is what I can give. I miss her more than my words can express and I deeply regret not spending more time with her.

I love you Gramma.

I miss you.

And I’ll never forget you.

It’s Been a While…

Holy moly a lot has happened since I’ve fallen off the face of this blog.

My head has been spinning with all of the new developments (both good and bad). I’m not sure I know where to begin.

Well, I officially graduated college with honours (YAY!). That’s right you’re looking at a regular, bonafide adult. Holy fucking shit. It was a rough road but I somehow made it out of college relatively unscathed.

Adding to the adulthood is my new full-time job. I’m working at a tiny non-profit in Toronto called Colon Cancer Canada as the Executive Coordinator & Social Media. The title makes me sound more important than I actually am, but I’m making a salary now and I get benefits so I really can’t complain.

Of course with the good comes the bad…and no one saw this bad coming. Unfortunately, on October 15, 2014, I lost one of my favourite people in the world, my grandmother. She was sick for a while, but no one ever did figure out what was wrong. One minute she was going into rehab to get walking again, the next minute she had less than a week to live. Losing her was damn near impossible and I miss her everyday. She deserves her own blog though…I’ll talk about her another day when she can properly be remembered.

Naturally, this past Christmas was a difficult one, but it did come with some good news. As many people know, my biggest goal in life is to work in mental health and help teens and young adults understand their mental health. I can’t really do that with only a Public Relations degree though, so I started taking some new courses. Currently I take classes online through Northern College for the Child & Adolescent Mental Health certificate program. It’s a lot of work doing classes and working full time, but I’m in love with the program and incredibly excited for the future.

ALSO! I got a tattoo!! My parents hate everything about it, but I adore it. It’s a quote on my left shoulder that says ‘there’s no place like home’ with some poppies. Perfect for the OZ fan in me.

Still not dating anyone though…because I know that’s what most people seem to care about with me. Well…at least my mother does.

Saying “No”

Normally, I’m a peace keeper.

I don’t get involved in other people’s shit, because really what’s the point? But last night, I’d had enough. Sometimes you simply can’t bite your tongue anymore.

Last night, I went out with my best friend to celebrate my 21st birthday. We decided to go to our usual watering hole and do our usual thing. Have a couple drinks, dance, and just have a good time. Unfortunately our watering hole now comes with a little baggage.

Allow me to explain. Back in December, my friend met this guy, let’s call him “A” for the purpose of this story. He seemed nice enough, she was into him, so they swapped numbers. The problem is my friend lives four hours away for school so they couldn’t really hang out unless she was in town for the weekend. This didn’t matter though, they still texted fairly frequently and got along.

So when my friend was back in town, she would usually ask me if it was OK to invite A out and we could all hang out, and it was fine…for awhile. Then a couple weeks ago, things were about to go the next level when my friend decided she was uncomfortable and no longer wanted to do it, so she left. He wasn’t mad though, and kept right on texting her.

The thing is, my friend no longer wanted him to text her, and made it very clear, but he kept doing it anyway. She could have hit him with a brick that said “I’m not interested,” and he’d still think she was into it.

So last night, this guy shows up at the bar and makes a beeline for my friend. I told her not to worry, if he tried anything, I’d talk to him because she was clearly panicky and uncomfortable that he was there. So when he tried to go after my friend, I stopped him and told him straight up to leave her alone. I told him she’s not interested, back off. Of course he looked at me like I was a cock-block and nothing more. And then a female friend of his jumps in (to something she literally knows NOTHING about) and starts yelling at me, saying he’s a good guy, he’s not a creep, stop freaking out. At that point I walked away, I was not about to get punched out by someone who was clearly looking for a fight.

Here’s what pisses me off about guys like that. They’re the ones who make women feel like we aren’t allowed to say no. They’re the ones who make us feel like we need to have some believable excuse prepared so that they’ll just walk away. It’s absolute crap, and frankly I’m over it. And the chick coming to his defence!?!?! Yeah, you’re not helping the situation at all, because now he has female back-up encouraging him that his actions don’t make him a bad guy. Great, thanks for that.

As her best friend, I’ve watched this go on for months and she has every right to be left alone if she so chooses. Fortunately things got sorted out. At the end of the night, they had a talk and the female friend actually apologized to me which actually surprised me a lot! She still defended him, but I can’t expect everything.

I know he’s not the biggest creep in the world or anything, it’s just one of those things where no should be taken for an answer…why is that so hard to understand?

$h!t My Brother Says

So it hasn’t been the best couple of weeks.

Hence my absence…but I am back and feeling a lot better! In fact, I’ve been feeling quite…inspired.

As I am a poor student, I’m still living with my parents. This also means I’m still living with my 17-year-old brother as well. My brother is a lot of things, but subtle, appropriate and boring are NOT words I would use to describe him. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tweeted about things he’s said.

This weekend, I reached a point where I decided to dedicate an entire Twitter account to his musings, instead of using my personal account. With that, I present to you Shit My Brother Says. Yeah I know, original title…but it gets to the point.

I encourage you all to follow @WordsFromHunter if you’re into reading the most random and hilarious tweets ever. Please keep in mind it’s fairly new so there aren’t a ton of tweets yet, but not to worry, I’ll never run out of content.

I appreciate any follows!

https://twitter.com/WordsFromHunter

I Won’t Give Up

This has not been a good weekend.

It should have been though. My boss let me off work two hours early on Friday and I managed to see my brothers off to prom. That night I went to the movies and saw The Fault in Our Stars (which was PERFECT for any fans of the book) and basically came home with a lazy weekend ahead of me.

I did not anticipate the crash that would happen Saturday morning.

A little background here…back in September my brother’s best friend was struggling at home, it had been going on for a while actually. He was kicked out for no reason, constantly getting yelled at, and because of it he was suffering in school. He always came to our house to spend the night if he was kicked out but in September enough was enough.

For whatever reason, he didn’t come to us when he got kicked out this time, and was essentially homeless for three days. No change of clothes, no food, nothing. When my parents learned of this they decided that Cam would come live with us. It was great, he fit right in, he really improved in school, things got a lot better…for a while.

In the new year some of his old habits came back, and eventually he started on a spiral downward. He was never a bad kid, he’s just been dealt a bad hand and therefore has made some bad choices.

Now, he’s nearly back to where he was when we took him in, and it’s breaking my heart. My parents don’t know how much longer they can keep him in the house, and that’s what I learned on Saturday. I don’t want him to leave, I don’t think it’s the right thing for him to leave, but my parents don’t know what else to do. They aren’t just kicking him out, they will make sure he has a solid place to go, but it’s just not enough to me. I love him like he’s my brother, hell, I even call him my brother.

This hurts so much, I wish I had a plan to stop it, but I don’t know what to do. I’ve spent the whole weekend lying in bed, desperately trying to think of something and slowly falling back into the depression I’ve fought so hard against. I haven’t had a conversation with my parents since they told me and right now I can’t even look at them. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive them for this, even though I love them dearly. It feels like they’re just giving up…I know they’re not but it still feels that way.

My heart is broken, my parents’ hearts are broken and Cam’s heart is broken. I don’t want to give up on him, he’s really a great kid. I’m begging anyone for help or answers at this point. I don’t want to lose my brother.

For My Mom…

My mom is a rockstar, a nurse, a personal driver, a maid, a laundry service, a teacher and a superhero.

She does it all for her kids, and she doesn’t blink an eye about it. I don’t tell her enough how much she means to me, and that will remain my biggest crime. I have truly been blessed with the best parents in the world and I wonder what I did to deserve such an amazing life.

My mom has done everything for me and my brothers and more. She made sure we were on the right path. She made sure we had a good home life. She made sure we had everything we needed. She made sure we were happy.

As much as I am ready to start taking care of myself, I know I will always need my mom. Who else will make sure I believe in myself and be my biggest cheerleader? Who else will make sure I lock the doors and make sure I have a safe way home after a long night out? No one but her.

My mom has always said to me that all she wanted to be when she grew up was a mother. It may seem strange, but that’s what this woman was born to be, a mom. Her instincts are so on point that she not only takes care of her own children, but any other child that may need her help.

She’s amazing.

And she’s my mom.

We have had our differences, but I will never stop needing her and I will never stop loving her.

Happy Mother’s Day mom. You gave me an amazing life, and I only hope I can make you proud.

I wouldn’t want to be anyone else’s daughter.

Me and the most amazing woman in the world. I love you so much.

Working Girl

I hate working for free…but man do I love my job!

I’m officially a Toronto commuter, a coffee drinker, a crazy email-checker, and I eat my lunch at my desk. It’s only been a week that I have been working at the Toronto Botanical Garden and not only am I turning into a workaholic, I’m pretty freakin’ happy about it.

I’ve already had the opportunity to work on events, do design work, do writing work AND I’ve been on set for a TV show. This is everything I’ve wanted it to be and more. If I ever had any doubts about Public Relations being the right field for me, those thoughts are gone.

I’ll admit, working for free isn’t ideal. This is the first summer in five years that I haven’t gotten paid…let’s just say I’m feeling the lightness of my wallet. But I want this. I’m willing to put in the free hours if that’s what it takes to get to where I want to be. This is the best experience I’ve had so far for my career and that’s a really exciting feeling. There’s a lot of sacrifice on my part (mostly in terms of commute and pay), but sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.

I’m not sure there’s a point to this post aside from sharing my overwhelming gratitude for this opportunity. I hope I can prove to my boss that she’s made the right choice with me. I hope I can squeeze as much experience out of this opportunity as possible. I hope in the end, I can look back and be proud of what I’ve accomplished.

I hope I can stop all this gushing at some point…man I turn into a sap for just about anything.

Hitting the Road…and Some Other Things Too

OK, I just want to preface this by stating that I AM A GOOD DRIVER!

We all make mistakes, we get into little bad habits while driving, but for the most part I have done pretty damn well considering I’m a fairly new driver. I’ve had my license for about four years now and I’ve managed to get by without an accident or a ticket. I follow the rules and I pay attention.

Unfortunately, this past week the driving gods seemed to have forgotten about me though as I’m racking up my accident count pretty quickly. In one week I went from zero to two. TWO! Trust me, I’m mortified.

People can reassure me all they want, these things happen, at least you weren’t hurt, it could have been much worse, but it doesn’t make me feel better. I’m a perfectionist with high anxieties…I don’t exactly take accidents lightly. Truthfully a part of me thinks these accidents have happened because I haven’t been driving really at all these past two weeks. I’ve been off school and really haven’t had much reason to leave the house…of course the couple times I do, I slip up with the car. Not that that’s an excuse, I definitely should know better.

The first incident was last Friday. I was headed out to see a friend’s play (shout out to Carly for an amazing job by the way!) and I stopped at the bank. Since I was just going to run in quickly to use the ATM I decided to park my car on the curb beside the bank so I could just hop back in and go without dealing with the parking lot. I’ve done this many times before so I didn’t think much of it. Well, I got a little too close to the curb and hopped it slightly…no big deal…I’ll just move off. Except has I was attempting to get off the curb my right side mirror hit a sign post and was ripped off the side of my car. Fantastic.

After properly parking, attempting (with no such luck) to somehow reattach the mirror and tearfully calling my parents with an explanation, I went home and swapped out cars so I wouldn’t be pulled over on my way to the play. Fortunately, my parents were awesome about it and were just happy I wasn’t hurt. The car was fixed and that was the end of that.

Or so I’d thought.

Today, I went out shopping with my friend Sarah. All was well, and I managed to keep my promise to myself not to spend a dime. Broke college girls…beware of the mall, it will try and suck you in. I digress. We were on our way back, and were actually pretty close to home when once again, I goofed. This time though…I was in my father’s car, not my own. Great.

Basically the girl in front of me was clearly a new driver and her mom was in the passenger seat. This girl had a bit of a habit of stopping abruptly but I’d managed to be OK. That is until we were coming to a stop sign and we began slowing down. I made the mistake of looking down for a second to pick up my drink and when I looked back up, she’d stopped super abruptly for some reason and I’d ended up rear ending her. Not that this was her fault…I shouldn’t have looked away even for that second.

Of course I’m mortified as I get out to face her mother who states that I’ve just hit a new car (oh yes, my luck just keeps getting better) and there’s a license shaped dent in her bumper. Ugh! God knows this woman thinks I’m just the most incompetent girl right now, being that I’m young and probably thinking I’m a newer driver. Honestly I’m inclined to agree with her after all these mishaps.

The parents weren’t thrilled hearing about a second infraction, and me sobbing at home probably didn’t help, but what’s done is done. And trust me, I’m paying for whatever needs to be fixed…I don’t think I’ve ever apologized so much in my life.

So this week hasn’t exactly been good for me on the roads. I feel like a total idiot and like I should re-take my driver’s test or something. I’m especially paranoid as well because starting Monday I have to take the highway all the way into Toronto for work…yay! Please keep your fingers crossed for me people…or maybe just avoid me for a while. Apparently I’m a hazard.